I know that God has a plan and purpose for everything in our lives I understand and realize that fully. I just wonder sometimes why I feel as though I have been a failure at being what God wants me to be, I feel like I have missed the mark that was set out for me. That is how I have felt for awhile because I seem to mess up alot and then instead of just being truthful I get scared and just lie about it knowing that it only makes things worse. I have caused alot hurt for a while now and I wish life had a rewind button but it doesnt so I am fixing what I have messed up big time. I have had a reality check hear lately and realize the way I was acting and treating people around me and also not being open and honest wasnt getting me anywhere. So I am working on doing a complete change around and no matter what being honest and open and trying to restore things back to were they were before I started making huge mistakes. Mistakes can hurt alot they can cut deep but one is alot easier too forgive then when you mess up over and over. I feel right now like I am trying to patch a wound that is huge with a tissue paper, thats what I feel by myself. Then I realize that God is right there beside me the whole time and with him on your side its like going into the operating room and getting sewed up and doctored up. I am trusting and believing God for complete restoration and a complete change in my life I am honestly tired, disgusted and sick of the person that I have been in the past. That isnt how I was raised that isnt what I learned growing up in church, and that certainly aint what my Mom and Dad raised me up to be. So I am done and im changing no matter what I am going to be open and honest and fight and claw to become the man God wants me to be. Then when I do that I believe that it will make me the husband and dad that i need to be. I should be the spirtitual leader and i dont feel like I am anywhere close to that, Ashley has been that leader almost our whole marriage and Im working on my end to become that man. I have like right at 90 days in this country and that is my goal to fix everything that I have messed up on and dig deep in Gods word and become the man that God wants me to be. I know that with God all things are possible. Whats really bad is I have always put on a show like everything is great and everything is fine when behind all that I havent been what I know I should be. I know this is a different blog but I wanted to write because I felt like I needed too and it helps to write things down. I love Ashley, Ama, and Abi more than I can put into words and i am horrible at that, I also miss them so much and thank everyone for all the prayers and support. This has been the hardest time of my life and when I get back to the states I will have been away from my family for a year and a half. That is no fun at all, I just wanted to let them know that I love them and miss them and cant wait to come home in October. I promise that I am already a different man and I will continue to be a different man. Love yall and please keep praying thank you.