February 23, 2011

A little bit of why...

Over the past few weeks I have had people excited for me about my move to Georgia, and I have had quite a few not understand my move to Georgia. So I thought I would share a little of my heart and my decision. When Weston went to Basic Training for the Army I knew that it would be just me and the girls for the next 5-6 months. I was mentally prepared for those next few months. Not emotionally prepared, I had no clue how him not being there was going to affect me or my girls. While he was in Basic (it was about 10 weeks) I did surprisingly good, actually if I'm honest, it was actually a really good thing for me, the only communication we had was through letters, with an occasional phone call, so the love letters written back and forth made me fall in love again... don't all girls love getting love letters ; ) (Weston, hint hint, I'm way overdue). We got to see each other at his Basic graduation and we took him to Advanced Individual Training, where he would be for the next 13 weeks. So although it was hard for me to go back home, I was prepared for it, mentally, and I knew that we would be together soon. Around this time the guy I sub for at the post office was having a lot of health problems, so I started working alot. I work every saturday being a sub carrier and it was getting really difficult finding people to watch my kids, with my dad working shift work and Tonya having a job and planning a wedding, my friends ended up watching my kids alot, I have no clue what I would have done if I didn't have them, they are two of my best friends and I love them so much! They shared their family time with my kids and I will never be able to express how much they mean to me. But it also stressed me out because I was always concerned of stressing them out. But I told my boss my last day would be in September because we would be moving in October to wherever the Army sends Weston. Well as October got closer and closer, we found out Weston would be going to South Korea... Totally caught both of us off guard, but I knew God was in control. We started the application process to go over there with him, only to find out that they were absolutely full and shortly after us applying they changed how they sponsor families and basically if we wanted to go over we would have to pay our own way, and that was financially impossible. Weston actually brought up Georgia a few times and I said no, my friends are here, family is here, it would just be too hard. But, I am still full time, and with Ama in school not only do I still have to find people to watch my girls on saturdays, now I have to find someone to take Ama to pm kindergarten everyday, thank goodness she can ride the bus after school. I have been learning the single mom life and I'm constantly stressed out, I get up around 5:40 every morning, take the kids to daycare, go to work, pick the girls up most the time around 3:30 or 4, then home to do chores, supper, spend time with kids, and bedtime. By the time 6 or 7 comes around I am absolutely exhausted, I have such a new found respect for single parents, it is hard! On my day off I don't have time to just relax, I'm catching up on laundry, doing grocery shopping, cleaning. I'm tired. And I'm sick of being so tired. All the way back to high school my dream when I grew up was to be a stay at home mom. My heart's desire is to be at home with my girls. I feel very strongly that I need to be homeschooling Ama, I have wanted to quit for a long time but couldn't, for financial reasons, for the fact that everybody tells me how good of a job I have, I would be crazy to quit the post office... And now we depend on that money. My calling right now is to be a mother, is to raise my children, and for me I want to give that my all, my 100%, because right now I am failing my girls, I'm too tired and stressed to be the mother that they deserve. The end of December while I was working, I was just telling God how hard it was, I cried, I told Him I couldn't handle it anymore. And the thought of moving to Georgia came to mind. I prayed daily about it, I went back and forth for weeks, I had so much confirmation from God but I kept telling Him I needed more than what He was giving me, I literally wanted someone to walk up to me and tell what to do, haha! But I had to trust God, it was scary for me because I had no control of the outcome, I have no clue what will be waiting for me in Georgia, I won't have a job and that scares me, we have depended on my income for a long time. I am comfortable here, I have a church, family, friends... But I have an opportunity to move to Georgia and stay in a trailer rent free, but more than that to get to spend time with my father and family that I have never spent more than a week or two at a time with. I have always wanted the opportunity to get closer with my father and family from Georgia, and with Weston gone, this is the perfect opportunity for me to do just that.

It has been 10 months since Weston has been gone, that's a LONG time. Abi is really too young and I haven't noticed any change in her, but Amariah I can really start to see things in her. She has started to show signs of an eating disorder... she's 5 years old... and right now the newest thing is her tantrum she will throw. Ama has always known how to throw a fit, but the past 2 weeks she has talked about missing her daddy alot, and also when she gets upset, and I mean over the littlest thing, like yesterday she asked me to turn on a certain cartoon, I told her to hold on a minute and I would be there, because I didn't go right then she screamed and huge tears flowing and she shut herself in her closet in the fetal position rocking and crying that she missed her daddy. What she does is the same every time, but she either goes to her closet or she finds a corner. She's having huge meltdowns over the tiniest things, kids not sharing with her, her not getting her way, if she can't do something right... it's just getting ridiculous, and honestly I don't know how to handle it, sometimes I do really good, sometimes I probably handle it wrong. I need to be there for my girls. Especially Ama, she needs me right now, all of me, not my tired, stressed don't want to deal with anything self. Could I go the next 8 months working and just handling it, yes I could. But I don't want to. I'm ready to quit and devote my attention to my girls, I'm so excited for us this summer, I have joy again, stress has already started to lift just me knowing I'm almost done with work. I know with my whole heart that this is what I am supposed to do, I have no doubt whatsoever, no second guessing myself. I'm excited. In my personal blog I wrote about the year 2011 being a year of me changing, of God doing things in me, and I 100% believe that this will play a big part in that change in me. I can't wait to move, to get me and the girls on a routine, a good schedule. I can't wait to focus on them, I have big plans for them this summer, big changes in store, I can't wait to start!! So noone may understand my reasoning, I know that we chose the Army, and this is part of it, but my job is probably the biggest cause of stress in my life, and I have the opportunity to quit. But more importantly, I prayed about it, I didn't just make a quick decision. I'm excited to see what unfolds for us in the coming months. I'm just excited : ) that's all I can say, I have joy... which for me is huge.


  1. You are an incredible MOTHER!!! Love love love you!! <3 Girl time SOON!!

  2. You are such a great mom, Ash. I think it's great that you're taking time off to be with the girls. I'll be praying for you!! Love ya!