a little from my heart...

Today is Tuesday... which means I had Bible study this morning, I am still in awe at how God works. First off, the lady that teaches the study, Faye Sharber, wasn't there last week because she was at her grandson's coming home party from Afghanistan. When I saw her this morning I leaned over to the girl next to me and told her I knew Faye from somewhere she looked SO familiar to me, she just smiled and asked if I had seen the movie Fireproof, and immediately I remembered which part she played in the movie. It's so funny, seeing people in real life thinking you've met them, nope just seen them on tv!  That started another discussion and half the ladies at my table were in one of the movies produced by the church, and my small group leader's house was used in one of the movies, it has been fun listening to their stories... but anyways : ) back to how awesome God is... Faye said SO many things today that spoke deeply to me. Her husband was in the Army for 20 years and she told a few Army stories, and she also talked about how women that are going through the same things have such a strong connection. For example she told of the story when her husband was stationed in Okinawa, and she was there with him and every man on the base was called to Vietnam, it was tough on the women left behind and they formed strong bonds and supported each other. Listening to her tell her story I sat there holding back my tears. I have bonded with some people online that are going through the same thing I am. I bonded with a couple of girls when our husbands were going through Basic training together. There's nothing more comforting to have a friend there that knows how you feel. I think that has been one of the toughest things for me with Korea. I don't live on a base, so I don't have other military wives around me, sometimes it feels like noone knows what I'm going through, and really noone does. Noone knows all the personal struggles that me and my husband go through, and then you add distance and such a long time apart, it's hard. 18 months apart is HARD. Our one year tour in Korea is almost over and I am just now understanding the purpose behind Weston being stationed there. It's all coming together... I am so stubborn... God put this trial in my life and I have fought Him and fought Him this whole time, how much easier would it have been to have just admitted and submitted months ago!!  But I'm finally getting it. When the pressures of a trial start weighing you down you can either hold your shoulders high and resist it and try holding up, or you can step out from underneath it and run away from it, or you can fold and fall flat on your face and totally depend on God. At first I acted strong... I resisted the pressure, then I was so close to stepping out and telling God I can't handle this anymore... I didn't sign up for this... but I finally reached the point where I folded, and with a willing heart begged Him to change me, I admitted to my faults and I submitted to Him, and it has gotten a whole lot easier. It's hard to remain under the pressure, but the reward for doing so is so much greater. God knows what He's doing, and we have to trust Him...  Have you ever recognized your faults, knew you had them, and knew you needed to change, but you really didn't want to... That's where I was with my control issues. It's so much easier to take control of matters into your own hands, and I have a really hard time with trust. I've dealt with hurt, pain, a broken heart too many times to count. So instead of trusting, I don't.... I guard my heart, and I control as much as I can. I'm finally to a place right now, I trust God. I'm tired of control and I give it all to Him. I'm not perfect, but I'm finally understanding this trial God has been taking me though.  This Bible study has been amazing and we are only 2 weeks into it.... it's exactly what I needed and God has been healing my heart through it. I'm just amazed out how He works, at how He loves and cares for me enough to do what He does for me.  A lady in my group today put a trial in this perspective... what if you went to the doctor and the doctor told you that you will be gaining a lot of weight over the next few months, dealing with swelling, aches and pains, urinating frequently, nausea... it would be hard to hear those things, but if you went to the doctor and he told you that you were pregnant and would be expecting a baby, none of the things that come along with pregnancy would matter, we would be focused on the bigger picture, a baby! Same for a trial... it's hard going through a trial whether it's a big or small trial, but we should focus on the bigger picture, God has something great in store, he's changing us, we are being refined... : )   Just wanted to share a little bit of my heart today, it's so easy to become satisfied with your walk with God, but He wants SO much more with you. And sometimes it takes a big trial to get your attention. He wants your total dependence to be on Him, and Him alone. If your going through a hard time in life right now I encourage you to visit this website:  http://www.whenlifeishard.com/  and on the Home page of the website there is a box where it says 'Receive a free mp3 download of 'Why Trials', but better yet : ) get the book and all the videos!! They have been amazing for me : ) 

Ashley